Sea's of rainbow and broken butterfly wings.

I do not even want friends anymore. All they do is stab you in the back. You can say you didn’t favor me over her but you did. Everyday me and Emily sat a different table, you never came to sit with us. You chose her. You always did. And then you sit there and let her talk shit about me for being upset, and you just sit there agreeing and saying shut too. What the fuck ever. You never once asked me why I was gone, or how the doctor went. You just did not give a shit. I love you, and you are my best friend. I’m just done with this shit. If I was your best friend, why did I feel like I meant shit to you. I’m sorry won’t make this better. Actions speak louder than words. And your actions never said you cared.

Fuck.

I wish everyone would just stop. Throwing blame, and hating on people isn’t going to make him come back. Yeah, everyone is pissed that he’s gone. I know I am… I feel like I knew him so well, with all the times Jordyn sat up in that sound booth with me for soooo long during the nights, just talking to me about Texas, and I’d help her… and we’d sit in English and talk about him, and in chemistry…. I feel like I knew him so well, from how much me and Jordyn talked about him. And the time I offered to go beat him up… back in February, and she just laughed at me. And I told her I’d beat her up too, and she laughed ever harder…

I just think it’s dumb that everyone is yelling at everyone, and throwing around hate and blame and harsh words. I know for a fact that isn’t what Texas would want. So everyone needs to shut the fuck up, and mourn in silence. Or mourn out loud, but do it with love. Love is needed so much right now. Why would you want to be mean in time like this? We need to be sensitive. Just because you’re hurting doesn’t mean no one else is. We all need to be nice and pull together… for his sake. And spread the love.

Speaking of spread, I’ll end this with a funny pick-up line…..

The word of the day is legs… wanna go back to my place and spread the word?

Why does this have to happen? Why does everything I do have to be haunted by him? In my mind and in my dreams. Making me not want to sleep. This sucks. Why am I clinging to the voice of someone I pretty much killed myself…?

I pretty much haven’t seen any of my friends this summer… I don’t know if I want to… I want to lay on my couch for the rest of my life.

I always talk about my normal problems, you know, the ones normal teens have? But those ones that go unspoken are the worst. And I can’t talk about them, because no one would understand. Show me a teen who’s seen as much as I have. I’m not sure you’ll find one. Not a single person, knows even a tiny bit about my life. Except my mom because she’s seen this all happen, whether she was really there or not. Other than my mom, really no one knows ANYTHING about me. And they don’t care. And thats fine. But I’m sure, if I told my story, every single person would be on the edge of their seats.

Thats all. Fuck it. Done. Just had to get that tiny bit out. Good bye.

Your right. I’m sorry your life is shitty. I’m sorry you have a boyfriend that loves you, and an amazing mom. I’m sorry I don’t feel like talking to you, listening to your shit, when you NEVER let me talk about myself. You don’t know shit about my life, and you don’t give a fuck. Thanks Emily.

Goodnight. Tomorrow is a huge day in the land of Tori. And I am not prepared.

Happy Birthday to me :)